Day to day, we seem to live all over the spectrum. Good moments, bad moments, really really bad moments.

The other day, my husband said something that really made me think. It was something a parent should never have to say about his child, and something that most of us would not say aloud even if we felt it. The fact that I know he's being entirely honest, and not malicious in saying it makes it even worse. It's like he's resigned himself to living like this with Jaymes... Anyway, what he said...

"At this point, I have nothing left in me for Jaymes. I don't know how you are still doing it, how you can stand the tantrums and feel anything for him. I love him, but I am just so over this Jaymes and i can't take it anymore."

You know, there was a time I'd have gotten all indignant and really tore him up for saying it. I rarely stop to think that I am not the only one affected by Jaymes' behavioral issues, and that it might have some impact on Jason as well. No, I'm not perfect, and these thoughts have to be helped along by comments such as the above.

It's like a switch in Jaymes' brain just got flipped, like something in there just broke. He's so different. He's not himself anymore at all. He screams and cries all day long, but he no longer tells us what he wants. I can no longer understand much of his talking. He doesn't give kisses, tell me where his body parts are, talk to his horsie. It's a huge fight to get Jaymes strapped into a car seat. I can no longer get him in a stroller or the cart at Walmart. He about broke my hand at Walmart the other day, it still hurts. He's getting bigger, and it's only going to get worse if we can't get this under control. He used to be fine- he liked the stroller/carseat/cart. Now it's "carry me or I'll kick my own butt right here on the floor."

He doesn't eat, he's losing weight... When you're only 28 pounds at almost 5 years old, you cannot afford to lose any more weight. I don't know why the docs are not concerned, he doesn't even look well. He's not sleeping anymore either, and he has NEVER had a problem.

It's scary, he literally is like a different person. We need to figure this out, or in the end, Jaymes will have no one who can stand him but me... And I hope I can do it. You can see it in people's faces, though they would never admit it (maybe they don't even realize it?). Therapists, friends, relatives. People are starting to just be over it. Yesterday at my mom's house, Jaymes threw a fit because she went inside. He tried to throw himself down the stairs, then did a sort of backflip over and landed on his back and head on the hard concrete floor. The only thing that kept us from a hospital visit was the fact that his head landed HARD on Jason's foot. Jason about fell over, he hit it so hard. If that had been the concrete.. Well...

But on the other side of this... We went to the Children's Museum yesterday after all that. Jaymes actually was amazing. He played with everything, rather than running straight to the trains and getting fixated. He didn't seem very happy for a lot of it, and cried incessently at times and tried to run to the trains... But we sucessfully got him to every other activity before letting him go to the trains, and we did not have another all out screaming/biting/kicking hysterical meltdown. for the first time, he walked out of the museum on his own, not carried kicking and screaming. We just kind of ignored the quiet crying and made him participate in things, and he did have some fun. I was really proud of him.

Have you ever suddenly noticed something about someone, that you should have known, and yet didn't? It's a little embarrassing to admit how ignorant we can be sometimes.

Did you know Jaymes can name a bunch of colors? No? Neither did I, until last week. Freaky, huh? Did you know that he can get himself on the bus without me, and get into the right seat? I guess he is growing up. He gets offended if I insist upon boarding the bus with him to put him in his seat. The other day I tried to do this, and he shoved me off the bus with the dirtiest look you've ever seen.

It's just so odd, how in the midst of so much craziness, you can miss the truly wonderful things, and yet see every bad detail. I suspect this means I'm a horrible pessimist, and I do hope that my pessimistic side is not hindering Jaymes.

A few days ago I tossed a pile of gummies on Jaymes' plate, and he went one by one, telling me their colors before he ate them. He'd hold up a red one, stare at me a second, and say "Wed." The a blue. "Bloooooooo". Then an orange "awnge" and a white "wiiiiiiiiite" and a purple (incorrectly named, btw)"gwaaaay". Then of course, yellow or "yemmoe".


He's such a bright, happy little boy. Jaymes just needs help to really blossom into what he could be. We need to find a way to get past the frustration, the anger, and the stubborn strea. I'm confident that eventually that will happen, and we just need to have faith and be patient until then. It's those little triumphs that keep parents sane until we finally reach our destination and our kids can function in the "real world."